Diary of a Mystic: The Tiger


Good meditation today. I managed to throat sing and chant with a far deeper resonance and endurance than I have done for well over a week. Produced some truly majestic sounding overtones, and still feel as though my understanding of the mechanics of the production of these frequencies is growing ever deeper and unconscious. Chinese chanting, and  Tuvan chanting too.

I used Tara’s Mantra, and the tantric technique of imagining myself with her female body, allowing great cosmic energy to penetrate my vagina. Worked on bringing this energy into all my chakras, and especially the energy channels along my spinal column which I still feel especially need more work.

I saw a stripped tiger. In China, the Tiger is a symbol of autumn, whiteness, the lungs, decay and death. It is the protector of the West, and it’s element is metal. This metal is the alloy of transformation. Like a mineral, it can be manipulated through fire, purified, and then eventually solidified into something else. It is the element of deep and lasting change, as opposed to something fleeting and ephemeral that can easily snap back to its habituations.

In Chinese astrology, the tiger is also representative of Aquarius. Thus, he is gregarious, powerful, innovate, eccentric yet sometimes conservative, lively yet sometimes reckless and impulsive, and also, quite often, promiscuous.

The symbolism of the tiger is said to be based in anger, aggression, personal power, strength and vitality, as well as representing the sudden, swift, and unpredictable. Given our closeness to entering into Aries, I think it is a good warning to channel that fiery strength in a positive way, and not to be allow it to make you destructive. Arians have a lot of personal power, but can be very quick to anger and conflict. It is a warning to keep that power under wraps, so that I control it, without it ever defeating me. Using my personal power in the most beneficial way. Being spontaneous as opposed to being impulsive. Being prepared for the unexpected – but also acting in a sudden and unpredictable way, so as to overcome others.

The bear also made another appearance, but we already explored his symbolism recently – solitary and withdrawing. Both of these creatures are loners by nature (I think) so perhaps it is an encouragement to enjoy being single and going it alone? The appearance of the ant recently was certainly very significant, as I have been very productive and industrious these last few days, able to be quite persevering, unemotional and prolific.


Diary of a Mystic: Trance Martial Artist


Interesting trance session yesterday. I began by chanting out-loud, but quickly opted just for doing it internally due to my still slightly hindered respiration. I swiftly entered into a trance, and began chanting very fast in Chinese. It seems these hidden sides of myself are generally more able to come forth when I chant internally, as opposed to vocally. There was a lot of pitch and timbre variation in the chanting. Sometimes low and calm – others times seeming to get overwhelmed and almost strident. Lots of shifting energy within that felt as though it wanted to just be roared out, which I attempted at times.

About half way in, I began doing movements, jabs with my hands, Tai Chi-like gestures. I felt like I was both doing a martial arts routine and some sort of ceremony. At one point, I made a sudden stabbing motion, and equally, also felt as though I had been stabbed. It all felt very theatrical, but quite real at the same time – so I was uncertain if this was just a stage production I was reliving, or a genuine fight.

I stood up, and made more spontaneous movements, shadow-boxing, kicks, punches, stretches and lunges. The style felt quite erratic and unpredictable. I am not enough of an expert to know, but perhaps I was aping the monkey-style, or some other animal-influenced fighting system?

All in all, a very satisfying and interesting trance session. Certainly limbered me up and made me feel more powerful.

Diary of a Mystic: Return to Health


Was late meditating today. Didn’t start until around three O’clock. Found it very tough at first. A huge weight of unhappiness made me feel very uncomfortable, and I was disturbed a few times by my new Buddhist posters falling down (though I do adore my new shrine). This unhappiness definitely felt like more knots on the cusp of being undone.

I started speaking in Chinese for a bit, and then did some throat singing. This had a major healing effect on me, and really helped me shift a lot of the energetic knots that my illness and sadness had tied up. Plenty of colours and inner worlds. The sounds were lovely, and I produced a lot of very high overtones. I feel like I’m beginning to get better understanding of the psychological use of the larynx in throat singing. It really is singing straight from the voice box, and sonic manipulation thereof. But, the grit in my throat still held me back, and eventually forced me to stop. Still, I feel much happier and healthier for having done it. I wish I was in peak health so that I could just carry on doing it.

A lot more psychic and energetic awareness after being outside for an hour or two today. Could both see and feel the flow of energy quite effortlessly. Was a little delirious, a little happy. Still have a lot of pain and sorrow to express. I feel like there will be a lot more revelations coming out of me soon. But it’s such a treat to feel connected to The Way and the gods again, and to really take delight in spirituality and spiritual practice.


Diary of a Mystic: Vajra Lands


First thoroughly enjoyable and integrative meditation since I first came down with this illness. Given all the anger, bitterness, and ill-will I’ve been experiencing as a side effect over these last few days, I decided to use Vajrayogini’s mantra to help me eat up and transform these unpleasant emotions. And it certainly worked, as I feel much more gentle and mentally pliable now than the misanthrope I’ve been masquerading as for these last few days.

The energy that envelops everything was no longer kept at a distance from me that horrifying fever fire, but could actually fully enter into my being. It was truly blissful and pleasurable, as though my being was gently being suffused with yogurt, milk, ambrosia, or some other sweet elixir of the Gods.

The initial imagery was of some jungles, and a face that looked rather Mongolian. But, to my knowledge, I don’t think Mongolia is a jungle terrain, so it was more likely a Chinese kingdom I was seeing, or maybe even something from Central or South America.

Then the scene takes an almost anime turn, two beautiful lovers, in a watery, nebulous, rainbow space. It is quite indistinct, but I feel very turned on and sensual, a delicious sense of hyper-sexual unity that continues throughout the meditation.

There is one scene that almost feel like a living painting. We are sailing down this psychedelic, jungle river. All these beautiful and mysterious creatures lurk elegantly along the banks. Roaming through clouds and beautiful vajra lands.

Diary of a Mystic: Rhino


A lot of incredibly powerful wrathful energy came through me yesterday evening. It was a very unusual experience, like being a child, I felt incredibly happy and ecstatic, yet also very quick to wrath, and felt anger about a lot of things. It began when I was preparing for my massage, and then came through as a black Dakini-like figure during the massage – my face was contorting, and I was struggling quite a lot not to go into trance right there in the middle of the session! Had it been a friend accustomed to such things, I might have allowed it; but I had a responsibility to he client, and could not go full shaman in that moment. One day, I will do, when I have clients coming to me precisely for that reason.

I decided to subdue it by meditating after my bath, and doing a Vajrayogini meditation. Though my parents had gone to bed, I still felt impelled to chant spontaneously in that mysterious Asiatic language. It was a lovely, serene meditation, and I felt soothed very quickly, like entering into deep space, occasionally suffused by a beautiful dark blue light.

At one point, I saw a rhino before me, and I quickly became the rhino. I could feel the power of its enormous horn protruding from my third eye. I was strong, stolid, stable, serene and silent. A heavy piece of ponderous peace. Here is a list of attributes associated with the rhino as a spirit animal:

  • Agility
  • Solitary
  • Wisdom
  • Paradox
  • Freedom
  • Stability
  • Gratitude
  • Longevity
  • Judgment
  • Grounding
  • Peace of Mind
  • Self-Assurance
  • Unconventional
  • Sensory Perception


I would say all of these are extremely relevant to my current experience. More and more I am relishing my solitude and freedom from all constraints. The need for stability as I acquire ever greater and more volatile sources of energy. Gratitude for everything, especially the opportunity to love and serve all beings. Judgement, so that I have the perspicacity to still do the right thing, and not allow the impulsiveness of these new energy flows to get the better of me. And I feel thoroughly unconventional in just about everything I do at the moment, and, indeed, am likely to get more so!

The rhino bathes in the warmth of mud. I, too, must sink deeper into the earth as I re-establish my shamanic roots, taking the underworld as my bathing ground, so I can reach ever greater heights.

Feeling other people’s emotions more and more. Bodhicitta really is like being in love with every single thing.



Diary of a Mystic: Trusting my Guides

thunder bird

More channeled chanting as I walked the dogs. Feeling upset, and with a recalcitrant mind, there were much more resistances to the spirit today than usual. It really had to reason with me, and gradually break down all of my barriers, before there was any sort of unity or peace. I had to remind myself that this is what I wanted – that, in being truly spontaneous and connected with things, does not always mean exactly following the same rituals every day. Sure, it is good to recite the Tao Te Ching – but, living the spontaneity that the Tao Te Ching teaches is much better. Though my bonds are being loosened, I am still caught in a rut, and bound by so many self-imposed restrictions of the mind.

The great thing about these chants is that, I don’t understand their meaning, I can’t intellectualize them, and I can’t really control them – I just have to be completely receptive to them. This is why I got the Earth Hexagram the other day – as I sign to be receptive like Earth, so that the seeds of shamanism and my psychic abilities can all be planted therein. I really need to kill my limiting, rational mind, as it is the source of almost all of my suffering.

The spirit today was Native American, and Chinese at times. I could see the Chinese man in his embroidered finery, taking part in a festival of dragons, dancing wildly in time with crashing cymbals and other powerful, shamanic trance music. I wanted to dance too. I feel like I need to go somewhere alone in the wild, or come together with others who would understand, to truly embrace this shamanic awakening. I cannot resist this. I must not be slow, like Carlos Castaneda, though it seems he and I share more of the same problems than I’ve thought. So much to still unlearn. So, so much!

The Native American spirit was more typical, had dark hair, traditional clothing, and three eagle feathers in his hair. He was alone and peaceful. I am trying to remember some of the specific advice they gave me, as it was quite profound. Being a channel for these spirits – who are all versions of me – is a bit like being worn as a pair of clothes. I just have to let their choices be my own, and not fear them, as they are working for the good of me, and the good of everyone – agents of wisdom and the spirit. I guess my fear is that they might make me do something dangerous while I am absent – but, not only is the danger necessary, but the greatest danger is really not following their wisdom, and allowing it to return to me as my own.

Diary of a Mystic: Buddha Lands


After reading a book on Tara’s Enlightened Qualities, I was inspired to refine my practice, making three prostrations, taking refuge in the Buddha, the Dharma, and the Sangha, speeding up my recitation of the mantra to be as fast as possible, whilst invoking many Dakinis – speeding up the mantra definitely speeds up the results, though, I definitely feel like the presence of the full-moon helped to intensify the proceedings.

Catapulted into many amazing Buddha Lands. I see countless Taras, Dakinis, Buddhas, Dharmapalas, and numerous other sprites and spirits I would have no idea how to define or categorize – certainly a far share of demons, mystics, goblins, and sorcerers. Samantabhadra – Universal Sage Buddha – is a delivering a sermon to countless multitudes, in extremely beautiful lands.

A Dakini/Tara appears before me holding an old vellum scroll – it is a terma?  She tears it in two. Many Dragons, heavenly beings, Hell beings and others engaged in bizarre pass-times, feasting on entrails. I can hear foreign voices speaking words into both of my ears in stereo. I cannot recognize the language – perhaps Indian or Nepalese? There is a flash of light in the chambers of my skull, and several loud noises in the attic above my had which completely coincide with it – indication of an actual presence in the room. Groups of Buddhas levitating happily over mountains. It is all ineffable and multi-dimensional, like being inside a quantum mandala – or a Tibetan version of one of Pablo Amaringo’s Ayahuasca paintings.

Yamantaka reappears quite a few times, consumed by a corona of blazing fire, belching fire, and making wrathful sounds. I see him so often that I find it hard not to occasionally switch to his mantra! Bald, Nosferatu-like figures.

“JUST LISTEN!” Tara exclaims to me at one point. I behold her more vividly and immensely than I’ve ever seen her before. Energy flows forth to cleanse my heart chakra – the familiar feeling of a spiritual hand reaching through my sternum to clutch at my hurting heart.

Diary of a Mystic: The Pregnancy of Isis


Green Tara Mantra. Divine Feminine invoked. I see an Egyptian goddess naked in the desert, her only adornment an elaborate headdress. Her beauty is striking, the sky is blue, and the desert sands are whirling opaquely around her. Her breasts are swollen with promise – her manner is graceful and serene. Her belly swells gravidly as she become pregnant. I focus on making my own body female, and visualize enfolding a womb of pure energy and potential within.

A man in a snow-covered land is sodomizing a dog, very much like a scene from an Eskimo Tale. The dog runs off, and I experience being the dog, dashing urgently through the snow, knowing that I have a message to convey.

Let’s analyze this like we do my dreams. Sand represents impermanence and constant change – beating around us, it signals the mysterious and vague. Isis pregnant with the newborn Horus – the thus come Osiris. Signals that life will be giving birth to new things, and that I, too, may be giving birth to a new version of myself – rightly so, after all my deaths! Swollen breasts – ripeness, fertility, comfort, nourishment, timeliness, the abundance of Spring. Also, the rebirth of ancient mysteries, and the divinity within us.

Man sodomizing a dog. Returning to one’s animal nature? Base instincts? Union of higher and lower? Conjoining one’s self with the qualities of a dog – loyal, devoted, playful, yet animalistic? Assuming the man came, then the dog has literally been filled with a message of sorts. Urgency, communication. Snow – purity, death, loneliness – racing through death to reach purity?

Diary of a Mystic: The Valley Spirit

velley spirit

Following on from the previous meditation, I used Green Tara’s mantra, and focused on the divine feminine. I found it very healing and stabilizing, and an excellent antidote to the restlessness and irritability I have experienced whilst being ill.

I spent a lot of the meditation flying through space. I at once encountered an enormous totem pole, which, no matter how perseveringly I followed it, seemed to have no end. The faces on the totem were variously gnashing their teeth and sticking out their tongues. One may have tried to eat me momentarily, meaningless as that is.

Occasionally, whilst flying through the pneumas of space, a face would form in the shape of a Buddha, usually very large and expansive. I roamed through lots of peaceful cloud-woven realms. One of the mist-formed being had a bit more of wrathful appearance than the others, though here was certainly nothing to be feared. These are lands of tranquillity, full of peace and beauty. There is never any danger here.

Many of the beautiful landscapes through which I travelled were filled with gorgeous mountains and valleys. Some were lush with greenery, vegetation, plants, grass, moss and lichen; whilst others were more grand canyon like, featuring many chasms, low-rolling rivers, mesas and buttes – some were dense with jagged mountain peaks, sharply chewing up the sky, more like the Himalayas or certain parts of China. Some of these felt like Earthy landscapes, whilst many definitely were not. In general, I did not see many beings, human, otherworldly, or animal on this trip – just mists and vapors.