Poem: Song For Lawrence

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Lawrence,

You are a teddy bear

Wrapped in barbed wire

The lonesome nymph residing

Within a typhoon’s placid heart

Loneliness is just

The depression of knowing

We have a limitless amount to give

But a limitless amount of time

In which to give it

The dull agility of infinity

Presses us onwards

As its achy-breaky heaviness

Simultaneously holds us back

Eternal, broken,

Farcical, open

You can leave your hat on

I have enough hair to give

 

Poem: Taste of Death

scar

Nowhere feels safe

Everything tastes like death

There is a wilderness of promise

Where bones dangle from trees

Where the future doesn’t look

Like a coffin’s gaping jaws

Or the seductive flames of a funeral pyre

That singes all your nose hairs

Nowhere feels safe

Least of all,

This ticking time bomb body

The dearest faces just look wraith-like

Friendship seems far away

Once I felt like a prince

Now I just feel like a bulbous wound

That has grown conscious of itself

A scar upon

The breast of time

That the warrior self-inflicted

In grief

Self-mutilation

Used to be a culturally acceptable phenomenon

Of internal pains

That demanded to be externalized

How I wish we could live in such a time!

And I would not have to hide my pain

Like a lady in waiting

In the shadows of society

Before marriage destroyed her

The knuckle-baring torture of refinement

There can be no freedom of expression

In a country that worships

Commerce and Self-Loathing

As its two highest ideals

What am I doing here?

Why am I alive?

Nowhere feels safe

Everything tastes like death

So I’ll lather life in ketchup

To see if it tastes any better

 

POEM: Rain – Love – Hell – Play

hell

I love the rain

I love rolling around

In your divine corpse flesh

We hurry on up

To the grove of Bacchus

The tortured goal

Of our tortured souls

I don’t think anybody

Would want to be

Caught short here

Eyes piercing out of

Penetrative darkness

The maleficent syntax

Of unwholesome woodnotes

Casting your nightmares

Into hundreds of permutations

Of Mind-Warping sorrow

But no matter how many

Hell realms I traverse

Hungry ghosts

And lonesome demons

Clawing at my legs

And reversing my eyeballs

In their sockets

To make me look back

At the bloodied road

The brought me here

I still only

Think of love

The one precious jewel

To protect me

In every battleground

Every wasteful coliseum

Every haunted mind palace

Of my most disgusting delusions

A traceless murderer

Who has tracked me since childhood

Legions of Roman feet

Stamping me into the stones

Come over some time

And I’ll cook you a curry

Mahakala will pour us wine

As we cuddle into

Eachother’s fears

And use love as the flame

To roast us both together

 

Poem: The Beautiful Chef

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How can I

Take this sorrow

This pain

This agony

And turn it

Into something

Beautiful?

I set the cauldron bubbling

And, climbing in

I take off my skin

My organs

My limbs

My bones

All of my memories

All of my experiences

I take them off

And throw them into

That bubbling morass

Churning it into

A milky froth

I see all of the pain

Of a million lifetimes

Horrifyingly distilled

Into a fetid ooze

The kind of maleficent syrup

Sadistic Victorians

Would feed to their children

I turn up the heat

And wait for my soul to scald

Waiting for the vajras

Waiting for the diamonds

And waiting for the body

That knows no body

But I feel helpless

Hopeless

And ignorant

I need a professional chef

Who will know just how

To prepare me

Season me

Cook me

Please

Let me be a tasty dish

That the universe will want to consume

 I want so much

To be a part of everything again

To be one with everything again

Instead of feeling

Like a despicable morsel

No one would want to eat

Let alone smell

I need help

I need a culinary expert

Who knows

How to tame the spirit

And make it sacred

Because at the moment

In this loving demon’s arms

I simply do not know how

To make this rotting dish

Beautiful

At all

 

Poem: Conversations with Hope

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Hope sees me

Lying on the floor

Mind in ashes

Heart in tatters

She gets her broom

And sweeps me up

Not quite intact

But a little closer

To being whole

“It doesn’t have to be

Like this,” she says

Guiding me

To look into

Infinity

“This is your playpen

None of it is closed to you.

No amount of sorrow or grief

Can keep it from you”

But I may need

A little more time, Hope

To incubate in your mercy

This soul is feeling fragmented

And his heart is more than thirsty

So please forgive

My wayward melancholy

My eternal delusion

And my insistent folly

Once a heart’s

Been let out of its cage

You never can never

Put it back in

Poem: Tumbled Wounds

Munch

Come here, my love

Let me lick the wounds

With which I afflicted you

And you can take me off the spike

On which you had me impaled

Let wounds be wounds

And scars be scars

Let wounds be a paradise

And scars be the stars

On a mutilated tomorrow

We’ll ascend to the depths

With hand nailed to hand

We’ll tumble down the steps

Poem: Infinite Grudge

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I can see you

Slipping away from me

What once was

Intimacy itself

Is now just a memory

Receding onto a pristine page

Of my mind’s dusty clarity

But in the crepuscular gloaming

You still invade my bed

And invade my dreams

Sneaking past

My attendant Buddhas

To shove a breast or two

Between my starving lips

Oh, strange Dakini

Who built you that metal horse

That tore down the fortifications of my heart?

But arsonists always

Light their own fires

Before perishing in the blaze

They forgot they started

Coagulating into flesh and blood

Won’t you stay a while

Before you return back to

Your infinite grudge?

POEM: Precarious Vastness

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This loneliness feels so crippling

A sense of isolation

Living as the only descendent

Of a dying race

How sweet it would be

To come face to face

With a being

Of my own star family

Someone who knows

Someone who understands

How many years

Must I be on this world –

This waiting room of corpses?

No one sees

No one understands

I am just the fool

Laughed at one day

Hung the next

Such pain in my heart

That grip of loneliness

Always surrounding it

Wanting to melt away

I drown

In this swirling turbidity

This embryonic chaos

A tightness in my chest

That never goes away

I can find

No place to stand

Just waiting for

Understanding

An evasive wisdom

Deeper than my own

Just know who I am

Feel my vastness

All my precarious vulnerability

Dribbling down the drain

Poem: Sorrow From The Dragon Well Cave

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Nauseated and nauseous
My bowels cease to function
As though refusing to digest
This information
Leaves turn purple
Veins become flaccid
And too tired to pump
Who knows how to express sorrow
When tears refuse to come?
Just pour more tea from The Dragon Well Cave
And roost until the pain takes wing.